I understand now??

It has been a while, since I have walked this path...just because I thought that I was over it. Hmmmm!! but no!!! its clear in my mind, I get vivid flashes of her and a sudden sadness dawns on me. It takes me a while before I forcefully fight it out and come to my senses. A conscious decision on my part to treat 'ME' in a fair manner I guess.

Last year at this time, I was in the worst phase of my entire pathetic life. I had come to know that I had lost her forever. It was actually harder than the time she left me coz I guess in my 'heart of hearts' I believed that she was feeling the way I did and that I would have her back some day and that I just had to have faith in her. I was not sure what I hated most ....that she left me behind or what she left behind. A pathetic loser ! with a dented soul, shattered confidence and with no real zeal for life.

I hated it when I saw her profile unintentionally, and it set an avalanche of sadness rolling in my battered heart. I pleaded with god to give me a sudden memory loss, so that I was completely unaware as to why I was so utterly dejected. But no!! he doesn't work that way!

I lived the life of a leper, not wanting to touch anybody for the fear of infecting them with my sadness and at the same time not being wanted as I was infected. I was so lost that I could hardly remember a time when I was doing what I was supposed to. I lost my granny at nearly the same time as this, but the worst part was, I was hardly able to shed a single tear. I guess I was 'stocked out' . Guilt now pricks me for not having done things at the right time.

Time passed and it passed really slowly for me.... making me pay dearly for all the pain I had stored in my heart. I was trying so hard just to breathe that I had forgotten to live. I barely made it through to the other side.

I found some solace in the small group I had formed here. It reminded of my Scot-free college life, when I was still the 'real me'. I stuck to the group as it made me nostalgic and gave me a taste of my past life... a life which I crave for even now(right at this moment). It also showed me that I was not alone in my pain, that the world was silently suffering along with me, not uttering a single world just like me, making fun of their harshest wounds and laughing out the past to get rid of it( I guess). The more I realised this, the more I tried to imitate them. I mastered the art of showing that I was happy( was I ??? neva know). I felt rejuvenated for the while I was with all (was I ?? neva know).

Then came the phase during which I dint give myself anytime to think about what I had been through and believe me it worked wonders for me. I was happy, literally!!!!!!!!!
I was transforming into the 'old me' I had been craving for(atleast at the face of it) . I did things which I had not done before. I lived life, like I had not lived before.( Whateva who cares!! I was at least living.)

Then came the summer and I was amidst people I had neva known before. It struck me that I could revert to my old ways of 'being pathetic' so I guess I forced myself onto them. I roamed around the new town as if they were the last few days of my life and made a conscious attempt to not give myself time to 'think'. We made a good group. Again.. I guess I was learning to act well or may be we all needed some company....

The summer was one great experience with me bonding well with the little stranger group..( if I m allowed to say so). Good time passes quickly ..and in this case it did. We were nearing the end of our term at 'my heaven' (thanks to my new group) , and a revelation was in store for me. Sorry I dint say this before, but it struck me hard... I was distraught between feelings of happiness and joy at one end and self-pity at another(for who else?). The occurrence reminded me of how in a short while my life had changed some time back. Had she faced similar situations like this one, I thought. I, for the first time was able to look at her side of the story. How in a short while and in all her innocence, she must have just done to me, what could never be undone. I was not sure any more of what I was to do. To go to her and tell her that I totally understood how she felt about what she did ..or to wait and re-analyse what had just happened. I chose the second option.

At the end of my paradise trip, I was back to where it all started, about an year ago. The same location, the same people, just a different backdrop. All of us a 'little new' and mostly same old, brimming with newer experiences. There I saw my second revelation!!!! One of my buddies was in many ways facing the worst time( as per me). The only difference was that, he was on the other side (her side in my story). For the second time in a short while, I was made to see her part of the game(right in front of my eyes.... as if I was watching her). I understood that what had happened had happened and may not have been a deliberate attempt to ruin what I had for some best years kept close to my heart!!! It made me feel sorry for what had happened to a dream woven by two people ( shattered ruthlessly by time). I m no more sure whether to blame her or not. I think I have for, reasons above found peace with myself????(have I..time will tell). The nightmares I have had are no more there. I don't seem to see her face anymore now!! I guess I understand that its not her fault.(Do I?).

The once tortured heart is back in shape but there are scars I don seem to remember why?

WILL I EVER REMEMBER AGAIN! ( I m not sure)
Time will tell , as it always has.


I DO UNDERSTAND! I HOPE!!!!!